what happened to us?

kanina ko lang na-realize na hindi na pala tayo friends sa friendster. in-add kita ulit at nakita ko na viniew mo yung account ko pero di mo pa rin inaccept yung friend request. ayaw mo na ba? sabihin mo lang, di na kita guguluhin. gusto ko lang naman kahit papano, masalba ang pagkakaibigan natin. pero kung naiinis ka na sa pangungulit ko, i'm sorry. hindi ko kasi kayang magsawalang-bahala sa mga nangyayari sa atin. gusto ko gumawa ng move para magkaayos tayo, kung hindi man kagaya ng sobrang closeness natin dati, ok lang basta malaman ko na maayos na tayong tatlo. ngayon lang ako nalungkot ng ganito ngayong sembreak. ang sakit pala. nakakadurog ng puso..

kanina, inayos ko yung photoalbum ko nung highschool. andami kasing mga pic na nakakalat sa isang drawer kaya naisipan kong iorganize. nakita ko yung mga pic naten. nakangite. nakaakbay sa isa't isa. magkahawak-kamay. ang hirap pala ayusin ng mga larawang iyon dahil bumalik sa alaala ko ang mga masasayang sandaling pinagsaluhan natin. naisip ko tuloy, marami pa akong mga bagay na kailangang ayusin. yung cabinet ko, yung mga libro, yung mga notes, yung mga testpaper, yung nagdaan. ang gulo, napakagulo. parang buhay ko, marami pang mga kabanata na naiwang nakabukas, marami pang katanungang hindi nasasagot. mga pangyayaring nababalutan ng isang makapal na ulap na tila ba ayaw magpasilip sa mga bituin upang bigyang-liwanag ang kadiliman ng gabi.

marami pang kalat. di ko pa rin matapus-tapos ayusin ang lahat.

nakita ko itong bookmark nung nag-aayos ako. para makagaan sa pakiramdam ko, gusto ko lang isama dito.

footprints in the sand

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

♥ sylvanna cravings ♥

i love my new jacket! haha!

enrollment kanina.. medyo mahaba din ang pila, pero tolerable pa naman, kasama ko naman si niña at jah e. pagpasok naman sa loob eh mabilis lang sa assessment saken dahil may educational plan sa prudential. kainis yung nasa teller na napilahan ko sa payment na, sobrang tagal at mali ang sistema. hindi gumagalaw yung pila namin tas unang inaasikaso yung nasa kabilang pila na assessment. after 10 years, nagdecide na ako na lumapit at ibigay ang form ko. sabi niya, "miss, mamaya ka pa, meron pang mga form dito." sabi ko naman, "eh miss kanina pa ako nakapila dito, sa totoo lang hindi naman gumagalaw yung pila namin kanina pa dahil inuuna yung nasa kabilang assessment. kanina pa nga tapos mga kasabay ko na saibang counter pumila e." eh di todo explain ako, sa maayos na paraan naman. ayun, medyo na-realize siguro niya na may point ako kaya inayos na yung saken. kawawa naman yung mga nasa likod ko, nahihiya yata sila magreklamo. para saken naman, bakit ka kailangang mahiya kung nasa tama ka naman at kung sasabihin mo yung gusto mong sabihin sa maayos na paraan, di ba?

pagkatapos noon, church muna kami. ayos nga e, may kinakasal. tapos ang saya nung kanta, parang pangbirthday yung mass songs. hehe Ü pero siguro ako, gusto ko solemn yung wedding, yung tipong medyo maiiyak ka at mararamdaman mo yung bagong mundong papasukin mo kasama ang "partner for life" mo. bah, minsan ka lang naman ikakasal ah!

walang group lakad kasi gustong umuwi kagad ni arianne sa dagupan dahil sabay siya sa tita niya at kapatid, may lakad si jah dahil puntang mandaluyong, gusto na rin umuwi ni chie sa batangas dahil pagod daw siya, wala si deb kasi umuwi kagad sa blumentritt pero tingin ko trip pa rin niyang maglakwatsa at umuwi siya para magpalit ng damit. kahit na may konting damdam ako sa kanila dahil plano na nung kuhaan ng clearance na may lakad after enrollment, ok lang kasi di naman masyadong importante yung lakad at mahahalagang lakad yung pupuntahan nila. masaya din ako dahil kinausap ako ni chie, ang tagal na kasi niyang hindi nagpaparamdam sa amin, ewan ko ba kung bakit. siguro dahil sa hindi natuloy na outing sa batangas.

dahil may plano talaga kami ni niña na bumili ng jacket that day, nagdate na lang kaming dalawa sa megamall. inabot na ng 2years dahil sa traffic, pero ok lang. dami naman kaming napag-usapan e, saka, there's no dull moment kapag kasama ko ang sis ko. di makalimutan yung kwento sa mga kamanyakan ng mga lalakeng makakapal ang muka. yung sinasadyang maniniko ng b**bs. at ang kwento sa pagsapak ko sa isa sa kanila. manyak e. dapat lang sa kanya yun.

matagal na talaga naming planong bumili ng jacket. at dahil nga mahal yung nagustuhan naming jacket sa nike, ang tagal din pinagipunan. dugo at pawis at panlalambing sa mga tito at tita ang puhunan ko. haha! pero, sheeeeet talaga kasi ang ganda nung nabili namin. una kaming pumunta sa nike stadium sa sm megamall. sa kamalasan, wala ng medium nung style na gusto namin. so ask kami kay kuya kung meron sa nike stadium sa shangrila. ayun, meron ng size nmin kaya naglakbay kami papuntang shang. dahil type talaga namin yung jacket, dedma ang paltos na inabot ng paa.

after jacket, tiyan naman namin ang problema. balik ulit kami sa mega para kumaen. foodtrip ang drama. di nman ako masyadong nagtakaw, konti lng.. hmm.. lumpiang sariwa, sisig w/ rice, at medium iced tea. at dahil hindi kami satisfied sa kinaen, and i quote, "nguya lang ako ng nguya e, hindi ko na nalasahan yung kinakaen ko". sheeet, gutom nga naman.. haha! so nagyaya si niña na magmuffin sa mr donut. on the way, nadaanan namin yung brownies unlimited. dahil favorite ni mama yun, i decided to buy her 6-pak. tas nagbilin din si mommy, mama ni niña, ng brownies kaya bili din si niña. tas natakam kami sa sylvannas. ayun, first time kong nakakaen ng ganun dahil matamis daw sabi ni sis. haaaay love it soo much. sarap nga. haha! naalala ko yung tanong ko kay niña, "teka, pano kainin to. ganito, ahmm?" Ü

sensya na, feel ko lang talaga magkwento sa mga nangyari saken ngayong araw na to. although medyo walang saysay tong post ko, eh ganun talaga, gusto ko magshare e. haha! talagang sobrang detalyado pa.. hehe.. i guess, dahil yun sa fact na lagi akong masaya kapag kasama ko sis ko. there's no dull moment with her. thanks sis! happy ako kasi nakapagusap na tayo ulit nga maayos. updated na ako ulit sayo. haha Ü sana lumamig na yung panahon o kya mejo umulan para magamit na naten yung jacket! Ü

i love my new jacket! haha!

aim high...

The road to success is not straight.

There is a curve called FAILURE,

a loop called CONFUSION,

speed bumps called FRIENDS,

red lights called ENEMIES,

caution lights called FAMILY.

You will have flats called JOBS,

but if you have a spare called DETERMINATION,

an engine called PERSEVERANCE,

an insurance called FAITH

and a driver called GOD,

you will make it to a place called SUCCESS.

best friends, forever?

flowers

It may not be the same,

But some things never change.

I feel it and I trust it,

I still believe in forever

Because that's what my heart knows.

Memories are the dew drops on our petals

That re-open the buds that have closed.

Flowers wilt as seasons change,

Though they grow a little more with rain.

The sun will shine when in need,

And left behind, a precious seed.

i know you'll never get to have the chance to read this post. i don't know what came to me and why i've decided to write a blog about us, but i think, i just miss the two of you, a lot. funny how it seems but even though we all live in one small street, we rarely see each other. i miss the old times when i can count on you both if ever i have problems or just anything to share. all the late night chatting while hanging out in either of our houses seem to all fade away in memories. what had happened to us? what had happened to our friendship? what's wrong after all the silence?

some things may have affected us, things that we are really not involved at all. all those petty neighborhood quarrels, and one dysfunctional guy, do these things matter at all? i really don't think so. i would not sacrifice our childhood friendship just because of problems that really doesn't concern the three of us.

jhing, we've been bestfriends since the time when i've known what bestfriend means. we had grown up together, known almost every member of our family, bonded thru countless occassions, spent numerous nights talking bout everything under the sun, and a lot more. i believe in what we've promised long ago that we'll be bestfriends forever no matter what happens. i really didn't expect that one situation would break our vow. no, they're not broken... i wouldn't, and couldn't let it be. i can't. seeing you just pass by our house without a single glance tears me up inside. i wanted to scream your name so you would turn and hug me tightly, just like what we used to do. you know, everytime your sister buys in our store, i deeply wanted to ask her how you're doing. i wanted to know if you're ok, if you're adjusting well at work, if you're really happy, all these and more. i wanted to tell you that it hurts me a lot when both of you decided not to come to my 18th birthday, because you're one of the few special persons that i really want to be with, and who has taken a big part in my life. i remember you're debut, when rachel and i acted as emcees. we're happy back then, enjoyed the company of each other, and told wishes and messages of a long bound friendship. eventhough we don't talk about what really happened to us, i know that the root of our silence is instilled in what happened among elldrich and both of our moms. don't let that situation affect us, please help me fight for our friendship. i can't do this all alone. i wanted to keep my promise, that i'll always be here for you thru ups and downs. i'll be here, still...

rachel, i know your feelings when we incidentally ride on the same jeep. you're uneasy, don't know how to act and say. i feel the same way. but i'm really glad when once, you've waited for me, walked home together and chatted bout things having safe topics. safe in a sense that we'll still feel free to say anything without thinking first of what the other one would feel. it pains me especially when i remember the times when we would just blurt out everything we want to say, not minding other's opinion, and just mentioning what our heart feels. even if i've known him first since we're classmates back in elementary, you know i will not be a hindrance to whatever feelings that you have for him. he's just a friend to me, and you are my bestfriend. if ever you ask me to choose between the two of you, there would be no doubt that it's you i'll pick. you don't even deserve to be just a choice, because you are a person i've learned to treasure in my heart. true friends are like treasures, they are difficult to search for, but once you've had them, they're worth all the hardships and pain. khel, you're a treasure to me...

this song is for both of you... best friends forever? i still believe in it. we'll make it thru this test, i know we can..

you first believed

How many times did I pray you'd find me

How many wishes on a star

Gazing off into the dark

Dreaming I'd see your face

Safe at home unafraid

Captured in your embrace

So many times

When my heart was broken

Visions of you would keep me strong

You were with me all along

Guiding my every step

You are all that I am

And I'll never forget

It was you who first believed

In all that I was made to be

It was you looking in my eyes

You held my hand

And showed me life

And I've never been the same

Since you first believed

There were times when I'd thought I'd lost you

Fearing forever was a dream

But it wasn't what it seemed

Placing your hand in mine

You could see in the dark

You were guiding my heart

It was you who first believed

In all that I was made to be

It was you looking in my eyes

You held my hand

And you showed me life

And I've never been the same

Since you first believed

How many times did I pray you'd find me

How many wishes on a star

i still hope that you two get to read this. i wish. i really do.

ka-ANING-an para sa isang PARE

Kainis. Grabe, ang panget na panimula nun. Ayoko ng palitan, eh sa naiinis ako e, la ng magagawa dun. Kanina lang sobrang ok mood ko, dahil bdae ng dad ko at bdae ng pare ko. Tapos biglang nagbago nung nakita ko yun. Bakit ba kasi kelangan mo pang ilagay yun? Haaay, I can't continue this statement, blog mo yun e, isip mo yun kaya wala akong magagawa kung ano mga gusto mong ilagay. Di ko lang nagustuhan na sumikat dun yung mga taong close saken, kasi ang alam ko, nababasa rin nila yung blog mo. Ewan ko kung papano. Ah basta. Di ko sinasabing tanggalin mo, sana lang next time, matutunan mo yung discretion.. Sumikat ako masyado e..

Haay, enough of a little disappointment..

Gusto ko naman maging bida yung pare ko. Hehe di pa kasi siya formally introduced dito eh. First, pano naging pare. Ahmm, actually di ko din alam kung pano kami nagkaron ng ganung tawagan, basta one time magkatext kami, tas tinawag niya akong bangenge, tinawag ko nman siyang aning usual tawagan na namin yun since nung naging close kami.Tapos bigla na lang naging pare. Ewan ko ba. Haha!

Yung pare kong yun, dark angel. haha! Di ako nagbansag niyan, yun kasi ginagamit niyang code. Kakaiba siya, siya lang yung dark angel na Über sa pagiging thoughtful at supportive saken. Naaalala ko dati nung nagkwentuhan kami sa may tinoco ng 8pm, puro mga kakaibang bagay bout ourselves yung napagusapan namin. Naalala ko din nung nagusap kami bout sa prob ko sa drawing, talagang umiyak na ako sa kanya dahil sa sama ng loob sa mga tao na nagpalungkot saken just because of their grade-envy. Pucha, kasalanan ko ba kung ganun ako tratuhin nung abnormal na prof na yun? Ay basta, enough of the past. Happy ako kasi pag may prob ako, dinadamayan niya ako. Kahit sa text lang, nakakatulong talaga siya para mapagaan yung pakiramdam ko. In return, lagi ako nanjan para sa kanya lalo na kapag may problems siya, especially sa mga problems niya sa bez niya. Pati problems sa grades, dinadamayan ko siya pag down. Remember trinoma at yung beinte? haha Ü

Gusto ko nga lagi siyang happy, kasi kapag malungkot siya, sobrang nalulungkot din ako. Kaya nga kagabi, nagset ako ng alarm para mabati siya ng eksaktong 12 para sa bdae niya, maaga xe akong natulog dahil masakit ulo ko. Pare, dapat happy ka palagi ah? Wag ng problemahin lovelife, hahanapan kita para maiba naman! hehe sana lang mabasa mo to, ayoko kasing sabihan kita para magbasa ng blog ko kasi nahihiya din ako sa mga nilalagay ko dito. Actually, konti lang talaga nakakaalam nitong blog ko, yung mga taong kaya kong sabihan ng nararamdaman ko, at yung mga taong may pakelam sa mga emosyon ko at sa mga nangyayari saken. Ok naman saken na konti lng nakakaalam kasi kashit papano, i want this sharing to be a bit private. Bit lang ha, kasi net to, kamusta nman yun di ba? hehe Ü

Pare, yung promise mo saken ah, pag napako yun, lagot ka talaga. Ang tagal ng hindi natutuloy yun eh. Dapat itreat mo kami, kasi laging walang pasok kapag bdae mo, di pa nga yata kita naggreet sa personal kapag bdae mo since nagkakilala tayo e. Kahiya nga kasi nung bdae ko, natouch ako dahil nakapunta kayo sa dinner thanksgiving na hinanda ng family ko e. Pare, i want you to know na kahit ano mangyari, lagi mo kong malalapitan. Di kita iiwan lalo na sa times na down ka, i'll pull you up para sabay tayong makakangiti ulit.

masaya na ako ulit, nawala na yung munting inis ko. haha! Ü

pare, pag nabasa mo to, magpost ka sa cbox para lam kong nabasa mo na. la lang.

HAPPY 42nd BIRTHDAY DAD!

HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY OLIVER!

sembreak sickness

sembreak na. sheeeet sembreak na!

bakit kelangang may sheeeeeet? ewan ko din, sabi nila mas may emosyon daw eh.. haha! Ü

Pagkatapos ng consultation sa ECE, nakahinga na ko ng maluwag. Need i say sobrang sama ng pakiramdam ko night before hanggang sa actual consultation day, bigla akong nagkalagnat, sipon at ubo. Sabi ni sis siguro daw dahil lang sa stress pagkatapos ng finals. Masasabi ko naman sa sarili ko na di ko naman pinabayaan ang subject na yun. Pano ko ba namang makakalimutang mag-aral bawat quiz at prelim and final exams eh pangalan ng subject na yun ang major ko. Samahan pa ng nagfefeeling terror prof. hahahaha! di ko talaga mapigilang matawa Ü . Kasi naman, natutuwa siya kapag alam niyang nahihirapan ang mga estudyante niya sa subject na tinuturo niya. Bilang halimbawa, nasabi sa kanya ng ilan kong mga kaklase pagkatapos ng isang madugong quiz na mahirap yung binigay niya. Sabi niya, and I quote, "Di ba sabi ko naman sa inyo, lahat ng exams ko ay talagang pinag-iisipan. Kailangan niyong gamitin ang utak niyo." Sheeet talaga, sa lagay palang iyon eh hindi pa namin ginagamit yung utak namin.. Haay buhay nga naman. Tanggap ko sana kung lahat ng prof sa ece ganun ang ka-adikan e. Iisipin ko na lang na para sa amin din yun. Kapag lalo kang nahihirapan, mas nagagamit mo ang buong kakayanan ng utak mo. Ang unfair lang dun, yung prof sa isang section halos pamigay na yung 20% ng grade nila. Asan ang hustisya? haha Ü Pero ok na rin yun, swertihan talaga kahit pagdating sa mga prof. Aminin niyo man o hindi, malaking factor pa rin ang paraan ng pagtuturo ng prof sa ikagagaling ng estudyante. Hindi ko naman sinasabing justified yung mga bumabagsak dahil abnormal yung prof, dahil kailangan mo pa rin mag-aral, magaling man magturo yung prof o yung tipong nakikinig ka na ng buong puso sa lecture pero bodybleed ka pa rin. take note, bodybleed at hindi na nosebleed. paglabas mo ng room, tipong parang galing ka sa giyera. duguan pero buhay pa naman Ü Ikaw ang dapat mag-adjust sa prof mo, dahil hindi naman makakapag-adjust ang prof sa bawat gusto ng mga estudyante niya.

enough of studies.

sembreak na e.. hahaha! Ü

hmm.. gusto ko lang sagutin yung mga sinabi ni deb nung last day nung consulatation.. i don't think na walang kwenta yung problem mo, lahat ng tao may kani-kaniyang problema. At hindi masusukat ng ibang tao kung gano kabigat o kagaan ang problema ng iba dahil wala sila sa sitwasyon na yun. di ka panget, ok? you're way too far beyond that term. napakarami mong magagandang katangian. Wala na silang makikitang Über sa talino at Über din pumorma at Über sa bango.. Papalicious ka talaga. ok, nagiging bading na yung lenggwahe ko. Dati dumating din ako sa point na nalulungkot ako dahil single ako. Sa tuwing may nakakasabay ako sa jeep na sweethearts i literally mean sweet, as in pinapapak na ng langgam sa ka-sweetan, naiisip ko kung bakit wala pa rin akong boyfriend. Panget ba ako o panget ugali ko kaya wala ako nun? Nalulungkot ako pag naiisip ko yun, pero naiisip ko din na siguro, pana-panahon lang talaga ang pagkakaron ng minamahal sa buhay. Kasi, pag sinasabi ko naman sa kaibigan ko, sasabihin niya na hindi naman ako panget saka di naman panget ugali ko kaibigan talaga tsk tsk bolero! Alam ni Lord kung kelan ang tamang panahon para sa'yo. Ibibigay niya sa'yo yung matagal mo nang hiling sa panahong nararapat, at sa oras na di mo inaasahan. In God's time, alam kong magiging masaya ka na talaga. Tingin ko kasi, medyo binibiro ka ni Lord kasi smoothsailing yung buhay mo, tas Über sa taas mga grades mo kaya mejo binigyan ka niya ng konting iisipin. Pero don't let that spoil everything. You deserve to be happy. Saka, gusto lang siguro ni Lord na maging open ka sa mga friends mo at magkaron ng social life kaya hindi ka pa niya binibigyan ng alalahaning babae. Wag ka na malungkot ok? Kasi pag may malungkot sa barkada, gloomy ang lahat. Ayaw ko ng ganyan ka, kasi love kita e, gusto ko lagi kang happy. I hope mabasa mo ito. Sana lang. Di ko kasi masabi sayo lahat nung magkakausap tayo kasi marami tayo e, shy type ako..

natuwa siguro ako mag-blog ulit, tanghali na, may clearance pa kami ngayon. sheeet, tinatamad akong umalis, lakas pa ng ulan.. lss na ko sa fixing a broken heart.. tsk tsk.. Ü

believe in this..

"The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor. The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything."

thoughts to ponder on

closest to us is not friends and family, but death.
furtherest is not the moon nor the stars, but passed time.
biggest is not mountain nor the sun, but our lust and desires.
heaviest is not elaphant nor iron, but responsibility.
lightest is not the wind nor feathers, but praying or delaying it.
sharpest is not knife nor sword, but our tongue...

Big Girls Don't Cry

Ikaw Lamang – Silent Sanctuary

Di ko maintindihan
Ang nilalaman ng puso
Tuwing magkahawak ang ating kamay
Pinapanalangin lagi tayong magkasama
Hinihiling bawat oras kapiling ka

Sa lahat ng aking ginagawa
Ikaw lamang ang nasa isip ko sinta
Sana’y di na tayo magkahiwalay
Kahit kailan pa man

Ikaw lamang ang aking minamahal
Ikaw lamang ang tangi kong inaasam
Makapiling ka habang buhay
Ikaw lamang sinta
Wala na kong hihingin pa
Wala na

Ayoko ng maulit pa
Ang nakaraang ayokong maalala
Bawat oras na wala ka
Parang mabigat na parusa

Huwag mong kakalimutan na kahit nag-iba
Hindi ako tumigil magmahal sayo sinta

Sa lahat ng aking ginagawa
Ikaw lamang ang nasa isip ko sinta

Sana’y di na tayo magkahiwalay
Kahit kailan pa man

Ikaw lamang ang aking minamahal
Ikaw lamang ang tangi kong inaasam
Makapiling ka habang buhay
Ikaw lamang sinta
Wala na kong hihingin pa
Wala na

haayy.. i love this song.. sobrang sweet.. parang pag kinantahan ka nito, mawawala lahat ng pain na nararamdaman mo.. lahat ng sama ng loob, lahat ng hinanakit, maglalahong parang bula.. ewan ko ba.. ibang klase eh.. hehe Ü

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pwede ba.. kung hindi mo kayang tuparin yung mga sinasabi mo, kung patuloy mo lang akong iddisappoint, at kung hindi ka rin naman mananatili, pwede ba, kung pwede lang naman, wag ka na lang mag-exist sa buhay ko? kung darating ka lang para umalis din, pwede bang wag ka ng bumalik pang muli? sabi mo hindi mo kayang mawala ako.. kung patuloy lang na ganito, pwede bang pag-aralan mong alisin na ako sa buhay mo? kung pwede lang nman..

hindi ako galit, hindi ako nagtatampo o kung anuman.. hindi ko na nga alam kung ano bang tawag sa nararamdaman ko e. siguro nasanay na ako kaya ganito. pero ayoko ng masanay. sa totoo lang, alam ko namang masaya ka sa buhay mo eh, at masaya din ako sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon. natutunan ko na kasing wag iasa ang kaligayahan ko sa iisang tao eh. ngayon alam ko na na dapat mong matutunan na maging masaya sa buhay mo kahit sa tingin mo nagiisa ka lang. kailangan mo munang maging buo dahil sa iyong kabuuan mas lalo kang napahahalagahan ng ibang tao. at kapag dumating na ang taong para sa'yo, masasabi mo na mas naging masaya ang buhay mo at nagkaron ng kahulugan ang kaligayahan mo ng dahil sa kanya. sa totoo lang, mas natutunan kong pahalagahan ang sarili ko ngayon. nalaman ko na hindi ka masasaktan ng ibang tao, masasaktan ka lang nila pag hinayaan mong gawin nila yun sayo o magpaapekto ka ng sobra.

basta masaya ako ngayon.. alam kong darating din yung araw na magiging mas makabuluhan ang kasiyahan ko.

"you are my sweetest downfall... i loved you first, i loved you first"

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"And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket

But I've got to get a move on with my life

It's time to be a big girl now..

And big girls don't cry.."

The Reason

Nobody's perfect, but you once told me that I'm the perfect girl any man could ever dream of. Those words might ring all the bells and might give any girl the sweetest smile. I could have had that smile if it were in a different situation.

I love watching movies. Actually, any kind of movies will do, but since I'm somewhat mushy, I prefer love stories. I cried over The Notebook, Blue Moon and If Only. Maybe it's because I've been dreaming of having a man love me and treat me like I'm the only girl in the world. But I know that you'll never really have a happily-ever-after story.

Life is not measured by whether you win or lose. It's about fighting in what you believe in. It's true that God gives us chances, but it's really up to us to decide if we'll grab it or just leave it that way. "Bahala na si Lord" or "kung kayo ang para sa isa't isa, kayo pa rin ang magkakatuluyan sa huli". I believe in this sayings, in the past. Things and perspectives change as time goes by. It's an inevitable part of human life. Right now, I believe that if you want to achieve something, you must do your best and exert effort in getting what you value most. Surely, you didn't think that God would spoonfeed you, right?

Nobody's perfect, but you once told me that I'm the perfect girl any man could ever dream of. Those words might ring all the bells and might give any girl the sweetest smile. I could have had that smile if it were in a different situation.

Those words were all that you've said in replace for an explanation that I ought to have.

Leave someone.. you have that right. But the least you can do is tell them why. Because what hurts most is knowing that you're not even worth an explanation.

I really never wished to be that perfect girl for any man. What I just want is to be loved by the man that matters most to me, and would accept me for what I really am even though I'm not the perfect or ideal one.

"Love isn't perfect, it isn't a fairytale or a storybook and it doesn't always come easy. Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define and impossible to live without. Love is work, but most of all, love is realizing that every hour, every minute and every second was worth it because you did it... together!"

*now playing

The Reason - Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

A Beautiful Sadness

In one episode of Southpark, Stan found his friend Butters who just had his heart broken sitting on a rain-soaked curb in tears..

Butters: Uh, well yeah I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel this sad. It's like it makes me feel alive you know? It makes me feel human. The only way that I can feel this sad now is because I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness..

because of you? i don't know..

"don't waste your time on someone who doesn't appreciate you the way you should be
appreciated..
don't ever settle for mediocrity,
for being just an option,
for being the one who's just fun to be with,
for being the one who's always there desperately waiting,
for mere concern or pity,
or for someone who likes you just because he knows he's got the power to break you..
don't settle because deep down,
you know who you are
and you know without a doubt that you deserve better if not the best.."

now, i don't know what to think anymore.. hindi ko alam kung bakit nag-iba na naman ang pakikitungo mo saken.. di ko rin alam kung dapat ba akong matuwa or maging maingat dahil baka all of a sudden bigla ka na namang mawala.. pero sabi nga, kung gustong mong mangyaring maganda saten, you have to make a move before it's too late.. i've done my part, now it's your time to do yours..

*now playing*

Never Too Far - Mariah Carey

You’re with me
Til the bitter end
What we had transcends
This experience
Too painful to
Talk about
So I’ll hold it in
Til my heart can mend
And be brave enough to love again

A place in time
Still belongs to us
Stays preserved in my mind
In the memories there is solace

Never too far away
I won’t let time erase
One bit of yesterday
Cause I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
Though we can never be
I’ll keep you close to me
When I remember

Glittering lights
Incandescent eyes
Still preserved
In my mind
In the memories I’ll find solace

Never too far away
I won’t let time erase
One bit of yesterday
And I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
Though we can never be
I’ll keep you close to me
And I’ll remember

A place in time
Still belongs to us
Stays preserved in my mind
In the memories there is solace

Never too far away
I won’t let time erase
One bit of yesterday
Cause I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
And though we can never be
I’ll think of you and me
Always remember

Love

You’re never too far

Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

'Cause sooner or later it's over

I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I

I just want you to know who I am...

Time Understands Love

Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived; Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all the others......, including Love.
One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean.
So all the feelings prepared their boats to leave.
Love was the only one that stayed.
She wanted to preserve the island until the last possible moment. When the island was almost totally under, Love decided it was time to leave.
She began looking for someone to ask for help.
Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat.
Love asked, "Richness, Can I come with you on your boat?" Richness answered, "I'm sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you."
Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel.
Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please." I can't help you", Vanity said, "You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat."
Next, Love saw Sadness passing by.
Love said, "Sadness, please let me go with you." Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I just need to be alone now."
Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried out, "Happiness, please take me with you."
But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn't hear Love calling to him.
Love began to cry.
Then, she heard a voice say, "Come Love, I will take you with me."
It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name.
When they arrived on land the elder went on his way.
Love realized how much she owed the elder.
Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was it that helped me?"
"It was Time", Knowledge answered.
"But why did Time help me when no one else would?", Love asked.
Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered,
"Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

Panandaliang Aliw

1st year highschool na ako ng natuto na akong mag-commute. Isang traysikel at dalawang jeep papuntang school. Nasubukan ko na rin namang mag-service sa buong elementary ko kaya desidido na akong makipagsapalaran na lang sa trapik at magaksaya ng oras sa paghintay sa jeep na hindi puno.

Masaya mag-commute.Kahit nakakapagod, ‘di naman matutumbasan nito ang ‘adventure’ na makukuha mo sa araw araw. Iba’t ibang mukha, iba’t ibang pangyayari. Minsan, yung nangyari ngayon parang nangyari kahapon pero minsan may mga nangyayaring hindi mo makakalimutan kahit maging lola ka na at lumilipad na ang mga sasakyan, hindi na gumugulong.

At bawat araw, iba- iba rin ang mga nakakasalamuha mong tao. May ubod ng baho, ubod ng pogi, ubod ng ganda na nakakatibo, ubod ng maniac. Exciting hindi ba. Sa tuwing may makakatabi akong kyut, tinututuring kong lucky day ko iyon kahit patayan sa mga quizzes, kahit kaka-bad trip mag-lunch sa 1&2 dahil sa dami ng tao. Tinuturing ko silang panandaliang aliw. Ansaya saya magkaroon ng katabing kyut sa jeep lalo na kapag traffic. Humihiwalay ang reyalidad sa sistema ko habang nag-iilusyon na what if girlfriend ako ng katabi ko, kung kunwari magtulug- tulugan ako at sumandal ako sa balikat niya’y papayag kaya siya o dudukutan niya ako ng cellphone at wallet.. haha.

Marami- rami na rin sila. Merong may mga kasamang GF na insecure na kung makakapit sa boyps nila ay parang tuko. In fairness mukha rin kasi silang tuko. Meron din namang nagpapapampam sa pamamagitan ng pagkanta out of nowhere, hindi ko nga maintindihan kung kikiligin ba ako o matatakot, medyo creepy kasi, marami rin namang BF na BF ang dating pero BF din pala ang hanap nila. Pero sa dinami- dami nila, mayroong nag-iisa na kakaiba talaga. Hanggang ngayon, napapaisip pa rin ako ng puro ‘what- ifs’ sa tuwing naaalala ko siya…

Sa España ako sumasakay ng jeep pauwi. 6pm nun, Martes. Pagsakay ko ng jeep, 4 pa kulang. At grabe, ang gwapo ng makakatabi kong yuppie kaya lang mukhang brat at may ere. Pagsakay ko, bumaba yung isang ‘mukhang tatay’ sa gilid sa may labasan dahil nasikipan bigla..ewan. Baka nagka-LBM. Aalis na sana kami nung bumaba siya. At wala kaming choice kundi maghintay ng pupuno sa kulang. Nagmumuni- muni na lang ako habang nakatanaw sa windshield.. bigla na lang may isang kyut na yuppie uli sa labas parang naghihintay ng gf o ng sasakyan. Aba..maskyut ito. hehehe. Matangkad mga 5’10’, clean cut na naka-gel, blue polo, may clutch bag, mukhang papasok pa lang kahit pauwi na. Mukhang typical na leading man sa isang koreanovela. Mala Cyrus ni Kim Sam Soon. Bagay kami maganda rin naman ako at kahit di masyadong matangkad.
Syempre kinapalan ko na mukha ko.

Kaya habang naghihintay, heto na naman ako. Nag-da-daydream kahit gabi na. Tinitigan ko lang siya habang sinasambit sa isipan kong ang swerte naman ng syota nito. Hanggang sa bigla na lang humiwalay ang kaluluwa ko sa katawan ko nang biglang tumingin siya sa akin. Huli na nang ma-realize kong kitang- kita pala akong nakatanga sa kanya sa loob ng jeep dahil bukas ang ilaw sa loob.

Nakakahiya. Kunwari tumingin ako sa cel kung anong oras na. Buti na lang umalis na siya pagtingin ko uli at may dumating na rin na pasahero na kukumpleto sa amin. Napahinga ako nang malalim nang biglang…omygad. Makakatabi ko pala si ‘dreamboy’ huhuhu. Kulang na lang magmaskara ako sa hiya.

Hay.

Sa biyahe, di ako mapakali. Paano, masikip ang jeep at dama ko ang bawat kibot niya. Napagtanto kong hindi rin siya mapakali. Sa aking peripheral vision ay nakikita kong tumitingin siya sa akin. Sinubukan kong tingnan siya habang tinatakip ang mahaba kong buhok. Nahuli niya ako kaya kunwari ay tumingin na lang rin ako sa direksiyon kung saan siya tumitingin yung tipong kunwari ang akala ko may tinitignan din siyang iba. Nakakatawa. Mukhang tanga.

Kinakabahan ako. Nahihirapan akong huminga sa takot na marinig niya at maramdaman ang mabilis at malalim kong paghinga. At ewan kung nananadya siya dahil makailang beses din siyang napapabuntong- hininga at nag- "aahem." Basta kakaiba ang kutob ko. 99.9% sure ako na kapag tumingin ako sa kanya ay kakausapin niya ako.

Pero hindi ako tumitingin. At hindi rin siya tumitigil sa kakatingin. Kulang na lang hawiin niya ang mahabang buhok ko at sinasadya ko namang ibagsak pa ito lalo sa pamamagitan ng pagtungo at pagtulog kunwari. Nakikiramdam ako. Siyempre kailangan maging Maria Clara kahit konti. Hindi ako makapaniwalang nangyayari ito ngayon sa akin...

This is it. This is really is it.

Kaya hinanda ko na ang sarili kong kausapin siya at tanungin kung anong problema niya..
Baka naman akala lang niyang mandurukot ako?! Hehe. Bahala na basta kakausapin ko siya. Huminga ako ng malalim habang sina-psyche ang sarili. Kaya mo yan gurl. At pag- angat ko ng ulo ko...

“Manong diyan lang sa tabi.”

Sabi niya habang tinititigan ako ng tipong "pakshet, bakit ngayon ka lang tumingin sa akin?!! Sana magkita uli tayo...miss."

Sabay hinto ng jeep.

Back to reality.

Fare Thee Well

The moment you read this, I will be a thousand miles away from you. I know you wouldn’t even care less and I’m not really sure what I could make out of that. Look, I have no intensions of pestering you as you say you have a busy schedule. There’s just something I wish to convey before I finally let go of this feeling, move on, and live my life. I don’t really give out letters like this to those people I fancy, it always seemed so easy for me to talk to them and give them a piece of my mind. Just couldn’t figure out why I find it so difficult for me to have a word with you regarding this matter. I know I started this whole insane sh*t at the wrong foot. What I thought was just a big joke turned out to be something that devoured me. I didn’t have any idea that it was going to eat me whole. Had I known, I shouldn’t have indulged myself onto it. I thought I was in control, something I’m used to being all the time. And when I noticed that I wasn’t and that I’m slowly slipping away to my typical controlled self, it scared the hell out of me. YOU scared the hell out of me. So I went back to my usual routine again: going out, meeting new people, and trying to enjoy their company - to keep my mind off you. But I should have known better. It was useless, utterly futile…all in vain.

I often wonder what it is with you that made me feel this. You made me feel all those stupid mixed emotions all at the same time. And it was then that I figured out that I was in deep shit. I had my pride. I tried to conceal it to everyone, to you, and even to myself. I knew what our friends are like. They’d surely make a big laugh out of me. I can already see them with their eyes wide open as if I have just said the most absurd thing. See, it was always a conscious effort to be cool whenever you’re around. To act natural, to be left unnoticed. It wasn’t easy, I swear.

But I’m only human. I also get tired. I’m tired of pretending that I don’t care at all. Tired of using that nonchalant façade every time I hear them talking about you, or hear them talk about something that reminded me of you.

What we had was not something substantial, I must admit. And for that, I want to thank you for the incredible memories that would forever be etched within me, those would bring out the best smile in me as I reminisce. Please don’t get me wrong here. I don’t intend to attract attention from you. I don't even expect anything from you after having this. I just feel the need to do this. For myself. For no other reason but to put you all behind me.

I loved you, this I'm certain.

So anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this…if you did read on. I have just unloaded something that has eaten most of my time lately. Somehow, I feel a lot okay now. I’m looking forward to seeing you again. And when that time comes, I will be ready to be friends with you…without pretensions.

It will be better that way.

so true

Sometimes, we just can't teach our hearts to love those lost souls back.. No matter how hard we try, the wounds left make it hard to forget but sooner or later it will become scars. Scars that you don't want to see.. But you can choose to forget it's there. And then our hearts reopens back for love, ready for a new one, just if we will, and when time is just right..

Memories Left Unsaid

"Everything that happen once can never happen again, but everything that happens twice would surely happen for the third time."

Matapos ang napakatagal na panahon, nasabi ko na rin sa sarili ko na ok na ako. Dumaan ang mga araw, mga linggo at taon ng wala ka sa tabi ko. Nakayanan ko yun, sabi ko pa nga, magiging ok ako kahit wala ka. Marami na rin mga nangyari sa buhay ko nun, marami na rin akong nakilala at may mga nagustuhan din. Pero ewan ko ba kung bakit parang nananadya ang pagkakataon, pinagsama tayo sa iisang okasyon.

Di maiwasan na di tayo mag-usap. No choice kung baga. Naalala ko na naman lahat ng mga alaalang nakalimutan ko na. Nagkatotoo yung "reliving the past". Iniwan mo siya at nagkabalikan tayo.

Masaya ako noon. Ginawa ko ang lahat para maging maayos tayo. Sabi ko nga dati, hindi ako naniniwala sa reconciliation. Para sa akin noon, lahat ng tapos na ay di na dapat pang balikan pa. Pero kinalimutan ko yun. Lahat ng di mo gusto noon, iniwasan ko. Ayoko na kasing maulit ang mga maling nagawa noon. Binigay ko lahat para sa atin dahil naniwala akong tayo talaga ang para sa isa't isa.

Pero nawala ka ulit. Nawala ang pangakong hindi na tayo maghihiwalay pa. Bawat pagkakataon na magkasama tayo, di ko maramdaman na kasama kita. Parang ang layo mo, parang hindi mo ako nakikita. Balewala lang sa'yo ang mga usapan natin. Naiiwan akong nag-iisa at paulit-ulit na naghihintay.

Sinubukan ko ulit bumangon. Pinilit kong ayusing muli ang buhay ko at masanay na naman na wala ka sa tabi ko. Matagal din yun. Pero dumating ka na naman. Humihingi ng isa pang pagkakataon.

"Everything that happen once can never happen again, but everything that happens twice would surely happen for the third time."

Yun ang drama mo. Kung alam mo lang kung gaano ako natuwa nung sinabi mo yun... Pero hindi, hindi ko tinanggap yun kaagad. Sabi ko, siguraduhin mo muna yung nararamdaman mo, baka nabibigla ka lang o napipilitan. Sabi ko sa'yo, magiging ok ako kahit ano pa ang desisyon mo. Sabi ko, mag-aantay ako sa sagot mo.

Pero di mo sinabi yung sagot mo. Nalaman ko lang sa kaibigan ko ang lahat. Sabi pa nga niya, bago niya yun sabihin na wag daw akong iiyak. Di ko alam kung ano dapat kong maging reaksyon, pero hinanda ko ang sarili ko sa maririnig ko. Sabi mo sa kanya, parang nawala na yung pag-ibig mo para sa akin. Na kung gagamitin mo ang isip mo, talagang ako ang pipiliin mo. Bago na naman ang drama mo. "If the feeling is gone" naman.

Tinanggap ko lahat yun. "No hard feelings". Di nga ako umiyak eh. Eh ganun talaga, wala na akong laban dun. Knock-out na. At least, nalaman ko yung totoo. Nalaman ko kung ano ba talaga ako sa'yo. Yun nga lang, sa iba ko pa nalaman. Pero, ok na rin yun, ang mahalaga, matatapos ko na rin ang lahat. Move-on, kailangan eh. Hindi pwedeng habambuhay ma-stuck. Sabi ko sa'yo, tigilan muna natin ang komunikasyon. Tingin ko kasi, mas makabubuti yun sa atin, lalo na sa akin para naman mabigyan ako ng pagkakataon na ayusin ulit buhay ko. Pumayag ka noon. Binura ko ang numero mo sa telepono ko at lahat ng may kaugnayan sa'yo. Pero kahit papano naman, malalaman ko kung ikaw yung nagtext dahil kabisado ko yung mga last digits sa number mo.

Nagsimula na naman ako. This time, totoo na. Nagustuhan ko yung mga pagbabago sa sarili ko. Ngayon, talagang masasabi kong kaya ko lahat. Parang sumailalim ako sa drug rehabilitation. Mabusisi at matagal na panahon ang nilalaan para lang mawala ang epekto ng droga sa sistema. Para kasing naging ganun ka sa akin. Nasanay ako na lagi kang nandiyan. Nasanay ako sa presensya mo.

Tulad ng mga bagong labas sa rehab, nakalaya din ako sa pagkakakulong sa'yo. Nakita kong marami palang nagmamahal sa akin, at ay mga nasasaktan sa tuwing umiiyak ako dahil sa'yo. "The truth will set you free". At dahil dun kaya malaya na ako ngayon.

Pero eto ka na naman. Hindi ko alam kung bakit paulit-ulit kang bumabalik sa tuwing maayos na ang buhay ko. Nagpaparamdam ka na naman. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang motibo mo para muling magbalik. Nagtataka ako kung bakit. Pero isa na lang ang iisipin ko. Pakikipagkaibigan na lang marahil ang dahilan. Hindi na ako mag-iisip pa ng iba. Baka maling interpretasyon na naman ang ibigay ko. Pero kung yun nga ang iniisip mo, wag kang mag-alala, di pa rin nawawala ang pagkakaibigan natin kahit ano pang mangyari.

Kahit ano pa man ang mangyari, alam ko na sa sarili ko kung ano ang kahalagahan ko. Hindi ko na hahayaang masaktang muli ng isang taong walang pakialam sa nararamdaman ko. I deserve to be happy.

"It's always painful to know that someone is irrevocably gone and all that's left are memories of beautiful days gone by. Sometimes, it boggles my mind why people fall in love, then say goodbye; why they cannot belong forever when at first, they can never seem to part...

... but then i realized that after all, maybe they're just not meant to be."