All's Well That Ends Well

2007 has been like a sinusoidal wave for me. It has its positive peaks and negative peaks. However, I don't regret any single thing that happened to me because I know for a fact that even if I failed in some situations, I have learned my lessons and I'm willing to change for the better, if not the best. Going back, my 2007 didn't started out fine. I was drunk when I welcomed the year and it seemed like a bad sign. Bad fengshui, bad luck, and bad start. But then, I managed to regain my self back. I celebrated my 18th birthday on March. I am happy at some point, and at the other end, somehow I'm sad because I remembered my friend's debut wherein I was one of the emcees. I love those memories and I miss them so damn much. I don't know what happened to me after that, because as the saying goes, when it rains, it pours. Problems came rushing in, piling one over another. I may not overcome all those things if it haven't been because of my friends and family who supported me when almost every cell of my body tells me to give up. They may don't know much of what I feel but their presence and care gave me strength and courage to stand up and pick every shattered piece of me. Special mention to kadyot: my ever-dearest sis ninya, you gave moral and spiritual help. You don't fail to remind me to keep holding on to His hand, because when everyone gives up on you, He will be the one who'll carry you until you can manage to walk again. To jah, thanks for being always there. I know I can run to you whenever I need you and I'm happy for that. Arianne, your hugs means a lot to me. It gives me encouragement when my tears keep on falling. Deb, your silence expresses much of your sympathy. The mere sight of your deep eyes is all I need to see and I understand everything just because you listens. Chie, thanks for the strength that you gave me. You taught me to be strong and gives me a full sight of the situation; I know that if I'll ask you, you'll give the unbiased answer. Not the solution that I may want to hear, but the solution that I can choose from, good and bad, and when to hope and stop hoping. You're an eye opener to the things that I need to see, and I really thank you for that. Guys, thank you, thank you, thank you. Need I say more? You know how to distinguish a fake and real smile, a forced laughter and a feel-good one. You taught me what real friendship means.

The past year was not all about those bad old days. Much of my memorable gimmicks happened during those times. Class outing in a resort situated in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the forest, in the middle of farms, in the middle of...Bulacan. Movie unwindings, so much to mention. Honestly, I can't remember all the movies that I've watched with my friends. Bagaberde and Formula Bars, and many other bars that we've been before we reached that Formula, you know it suits us well. Overnights in ninya's house, which seems like my most visited friend's house. You nkow the type when I don't have anything to wear for the next morning but still we manages to go to Taytay just to fetch ninya home. And I love it when I'm there, coz it feels like home. I still get a good smirk on my face when I remember what Glenn, Charles, Jericho, and the rest says when I bring a backpack at school. "May lakwatsa at overnight na naman kayo ah! Di talaga kayo nauubusan ng lakad!" I think this should be our answer to that.. "Kailangan pa bang imemorize yan? Bisyo na 'to!!!"

Simple meriendas and lunches at McDo, Jabee, Chubby Kitchen, KFC, Frio Mixx, 1&2, McDo, Jabee, Chubby Kitchen, McDo, Jabee, McDo, McDo, McDo, .... SO much good memories.. Like what sis said, "lam niyo ba kung ano yung best gift na natanggap ko this christmas? Answer: good memories kasama kayo.. yikeeeeeeee..." Really touching, you almost made me cry...

As they say, you should start the year right. And I intend to follow, so I'll do what my teacher in elementary instructed us back then: to make an essay about your new year's resolution. However, this will be a little modified coz I hate formal writing.I'll just enumerate and elaborate.

Jenny's New Year Resolution for 2008

I'll give my best effort...

1. ... in keeping my room clean and tidy. My mom usually says "may pagka-burara ka kasi e".

2. ... in assisting my brothers for schoolworks. this is one heavy responsibility if you're the ledest and you have two crazy siblings.

3. ... in being physically fit and healthy. I'm beginning to have belly rings. And I still want to wear my swimsuits for summer break decently!!

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4. ... in doing debt assessments. Okay, this may sound complicated but what I really mean is to always do my "listahan ng pautang" for our store every friday night. We have a little business and most of the AVT drivers and helpers eat and take credits in our store, stuffs like softdrinks, junkfoods, canned goods, etc... And friday is always my dreadest day of the week because I should manage to do those lengthy task. 2hrs minimum (no TV break, no tambay break, no chichirya break, candy break, ice cream, chocolate.... breaks), 5 hrs maximum (watch telenovelas, up to Bubble Gang, text break, water break, CR break, tinda break, heartbreak, oooops, sorry, never mind the last one! Ü)

5. ... in completing my lecture notes. I hate photocopying notes of my classmates. It makes studying hundred times a burden, laziness kills.

6. ... in focusing and meeting all the requirements and passing all subjects. No more: I think I shall never see, a grade as lovely as a three... Or even: I did my best, but I guess my best wasn't good enough... (just seek the help and intervention of St. Jude, the patron of the impossible... haha!)

7. ... in being a good friend. You know, you're not human if you don't have any friends. But you're not human either if at any point you don't get to be irritated by other bitches. I'll try to be nice as much as I can. Patience is really my virtue, and you'll be tired of testing me, but if you get to the maximum output patience that I can give, haaaaay, you'll really really wish that you'd never knew me at all. Swear.

8. ... in being a responsible and loving daughter. Sometimes, I could be a big pain in the ass and a pounding headache even though at times, I really don't mean to be one. Ma, Tatay, I'm sorry... I always try to make it up to you.

I have a good fengshui this year and 8 is my lucky number because it symbolizes continuity and non-breakage. I'll prove it to be true. *wink!*

what happened to us?

kanina ko lang na-realize na hindi na pala tayo friends sa friendster. in-add kita ulit at nakita ko na viniew mo yung account ko pero di mo pa rin inaccept yung friend request. ayaw mo na ba? sabihin mo lang, di na kita guguluhin. gusto ko lang naman kahit papano, masalba ang pagkakaibigan natin. pero kung naiinis ka na sa pangungulit ko, i'm sorry. hindi ko kasi kayang magsawalang-bahala sa mga nangyayari sa atin. gusto ko gumawa ng move para magkaayos tayo, kung hindi man kagaya ng sobrang closeness natin dati, ok lang basta malaman ko na maayos na tayong tatlo. ngayon lang ako nalungkot ng ganito ngayong sembreak. ang sakit pala. nakakadurog ng puso..

kanina, inayos ko yung photoalbum ko nung highschool. andami kasing mga pic na nakakalat sa isang drawer kaya naisipan kong iorganize. nakita ko yung mga pic naten. nakangite. nakaakbay sa isa't isa. magkahawak-kamay. ang hirap pala ayusin ng mga larawang iyon dahil bumalik sa alaala ko ang mga masasayang sandaling pinagsaluhan natin. naisip ko tuloy, marami pa akong mga bagay na kailangang ayusin. yung cabinet ko, yung mga libro, yung mga notes, yung mga testpaper, yung nagdaan. ang gulo, napakagulo. parang buhay ko, marami pang mga kabanata na naiwang nakabukas, marami pang katanungang hindi nasasagot. mga pangyayaring nababalutan ng isang makapal na ulap na tila ba ayaw magpasilip sa mga bituin upang bigyang-liwanag ang kadiliman ng gabi.

marami pang kalat. di ko pa rin matapus-tapos ayusin ang lahat.

nakita ko itong bookmark nung nag-aayos ako. para makagaan sa pakiramdam ko, gusto ko lang isama dito.

footprints in the sand

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

best friends, forever?

flowers

It may not be the same,

But some things never change.

I feel it and I trust it,

I still believe in forever

Because that's what my heart knows.

Memories are the dew drops on our petals

That re-open the buds that have closed.

Flowers wilt as seasons change,

Though they grow a little more with rain.

The sun will shine when in need,

And left behind, a precious seed.

i know you'll never get to have the chance to read this post. i don't know what came to me and why i've decided to write a blog about us, but i think, i just miss the two of you, a lot. funny how it seems but even though we all live in one small street, we rarely see each other. i miss the old times when i can count on you both if ever i have problems or just anything to share. all the late night chatting while hanging out in either of our houses seem to all fade away in memories. what had happened to us? what had happened to our friendship? what's wrong after all the silence?

some things may have affected us, things that we are really not involved at all. all those petty neighborhood quarrels, and one dysfunctional guy, do these things matter at all? i really don't think so. i would not sacrifice our childhood friendship just because of problems that really doesn't concern the three of us.

jhing, we've been bestfriends since the time when i've known what bestfriend means. we had grown up together, known almost every member of our family, bonded thru countless occassions, spent numerous nights talking bout everything under the sun, and a lot more. i believe in what we've promised long ago that we'll be bestfriends forever no matter what happens. i really didn't expect that one situation would break our vow. no, they're not broken... i wouldn't, and couldn't let it be. i can't. seeing you just pass by our house without a single glance tears me up inside. i wanted to scream your name so you would turn and hug me tightly, just like what we used to do. you know, everytime your sister buys in our store, i deeply wanted to ask her how you're doing. i wanted to know if you're ok, if you're adjusting well at work, if you're really happy, all these and more. i wanted to tell you that it hurts me a lot when both of you decided not to come to my 18th birthday, because you're one of the few special persons that i really want to be with, and who has taken a big part in my life. i remember you're debut, when rachel and i acted as emcees. we're happy back then, enjoyed the company of each other, and told wishes and messages of a long bound friendship. eventhough we don't talk about what really happened to us, i know that the root of our silence is instilled in what happened among elldrich and both of our moms. don't let that situation affect us, please help me fight for our friendship. i can't do this all alone. i wanted to keep my promise, that i'll always be here for you thru ups and downs. i'll be here, still...

rachel, i know your feelings when we incidentally ride on the same jeep. you're uneasy, don't know how to act and say. i feel the same way. but i'm really glad when once, you've waited for me, walked home together and chatted bout things having safe topics. safe in a sense that we'll still feel free to say anything without thinking first of what the other one would feel. it pains me especially when i remember the times when we would just blurt out everything we want to say, not minding other's opinion, and just mentioning what our heart feels. even if i've known him first since we're classmates back in elementary, you know i will not be a hindrance to whatever feelings that you have for him. he's just a friend to me, and you are my bestfriend. if ever you ask me to choose between the two of you, there would be no doubt that it's you i'll pick. you don't even deserve to be just a choice, because you are a person i've learned to treasure in my heart. true friends are like treasures, they are difficult to search for, but once you've had them, they're worth all the hardships and pain. khel, you're a treasure to me...

this song is for both of you... best friends forever? i still believe in it. we'll make it thru this test, i know we can..

you first believed

How many times did I pray you'd find me

How many wishes on a star

Gazing off into the dark

Dreaming I'd see your face

Safe at home unafraid

Captured in your embrace

So many times

When my heart was broken

Visions of you would keep me strong

You were with me all along

Guiding my every step

You are all that I am

And I'll never forget

It was you who first believed

In all that I was made to be

It was you looking in my eyes

You held my hand

And showed me life

And I've never been the same

Since you first believed

There were times when I'd thought I'd lost you

Fearing forever was a dream

But it wasn't what it seemed

Placing your hand in mine

You could see in the dark

You were guiding my heart

It was you who first believed

In all that I was made to be

It was you looking in my eyes

You held my hand

And you showed me life

And I've never been the same

Since you first believed

How many times did I pray you'd find me

How many wishes on a star

i still hope that you two get to read this. i wish. i really do.

Memories Left Unsaid

"Everything that happen once can never happen again, but everything that happens twice would surely happen for the third time."

Matapos ang napakatagal na panahon, nasabi ko na rin sa sarili ko na ok na ako. Dumaan ang mga araw, mga linggo at taon ng wala ka sa tabi ko. Nakayanan ko yun, sabi ko pa nga, magiging ok ako kahit wala ka. Marami na rin mga nangyari sa buhay ko nun, marami na rin akong nakilala at may mga nagustuhan din. Pero ewan ko ba kung bakit parang nananadya ang pagkakataon, pinagsama tayo sa iisang okasyon.

Di maiwasan na di tayo mag-usap. No choice kung baga. Naalala ko na naman lahat ng mga alaalang nakalimutan ko na. Nagkatotoo yung "reliving the past". Iniwan mo siya at nagkabalikan tayo.

Masaya ako noon. Ginawa ko ang lahat para maging maayos tayo. Sabi ko nga dati, hindi ako naniniwala sa reconciliation. Para sa akin noon, lahat ng tapos na ay di na dapat pang balikan pa. Pero kinalimutan ko yun. Lahat ng di mo gusto noon, iniwasan ko. Ayoko na kasing maulit ang mga maling nagawa noon. Binigay ko lahat para sa atin dahil naniwala akong tayo talaga ang para sa isa't isa.

Pero nawala ka ulit. Nawala ang pangakong hindi na tayo maghihiwalay pa. Bawat pagkakataon na magkasama tayo, di ko maramdaman na kasama kita. Parang ang layo mo, parang hindi mo ako nakikita. Balewala lang sa'yo ang mga usapan natin. Naiiwan akong nag-iisa at paulit-ulit na naghihintay.

Sinubukan ko ulit bumangon. Pinilit kong ayusing muli ang buhay ko at masanay na naman na wala ka sa tabi ko. Matagal din yun. Pero dumating ka na naman. Humihingi ng isa pang pagkakataon.

"Everything that happen once can never happen again, but everything that happens twice would surely happen for the third time."

Yun ang drama mo. Kung alam mo lang kung gaano ako natuwa nung sinabi mo yun... Pero hindi, hindi ko tinanggap yun kaagad. Sabi ko, siguraduhin mo muna yung nararamdaman mo, baka nabibigla ka lang o napipilitan. Sabi ko sa'yo, magiging ok ako kahit ano pa ang desisyon mo. Sabi ko, mag-aantay ako sa sagot mo.

Pero di mo sinabi yung sagot mo. Nalaman ko lang sa kaibigan ko ang lahat. Sabi pa nga niya, bago niya yun sabihin na wag daw akong iiyak. Di ko alam kung ano dapat kong maging reaksyon, pero hinanda ko ang sarili ko sa maririnig ko. Sabi mo sa kanya, parang nawala na yung pag-ibig mo para sa akin. Na kung gagamitin mo ang isip mo, talagang ako ang pipiliin mo. Bago na naman ang drama mo. "If the feeling is gone" naman.

Tinanggap ko lahat yun. "No hard feelings". Di nga ako umiyak eh. Eh ganun talaga, wala na akong laban dun. Knock-out na. At least, nalaman ko yung totoo. Nalaman ko kung ano ba talaga ako sa'yo. Yun nga lang, sa iba ko pa nalaman. Pero, ok na rin yun, ang mahalaga, matatapos ko na rin ang lahat. Move-on, kailangan eh. Hindi pwedeng habambuhay ma-stuck. Sabi ko sa'yo, tigilan muna natin ang komunikasyon. Tingin ko kasi, mas makabubuti yun sa atin, lalo na sa akin para naman mabigyan ako ng pagkakataon na ayusin ulit buhay ko. Pumayag ka noon. Binura ko ang numero mo sa telepono ko at lahat ng may kaugnayan sa'yo. Pero kahit papano naman, malalaman ko kung ikaw yung nagtext dahil kabisado ko yung mga last digits sa number mo.

Nagsimula na naman ako. This time, totoo na. Nagustuhan ko yung mga pagbabago sa sarili ko. Ngayon, talagang masasabi kong kaya ko lahat. Parang sumailalim ako sa drug rehabilitation. Mabusisi at matagal na panahon ang nilalaan para lang mawala ang epekto ng droga sa sistema. Para kasing naging ganun ka sa akin. Nasanay ako na lagi kang nandiyan. Nasanay ako sa presensya mo.

Tulad ng mga bagong labas sa rehab, nakalaya din ako sa pagkakakulong sa'yo. Nakita kong marami palang nagmamahal sa akin, at ay mga nasasaktan sa tuwing umiiyak ako dahil sa'yo. "The truth will set you free". At dahil dun kaya malaya na ako ngayon.

Pero eto ka na naman. Hindi ko alam kung bakit paulit-ulit kang bumabalik sa tuwing maayos na ang buhay ko. Nagpaparamdam ka na naman. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang motibo mo para muling magbalik. Nagtataka ako kung bakit. Pero isa na lang ang iisipin ko. Pakikipagkaibigan na lang marahil ang dahilan. Hindi na ako mag-iisip pa ng iba. Baka maling interpretasyon na naman ang ibigay ko. Pero kung yun nga ang iniisip mo, wag kang mag-alala, di pa rin nawawala ang pagkakaibigan natin kahit ano pang mangyari.

Kahit ano pa man ang mangyari, alam ko na sa sarili ko kung ano ang kahalagahan ko. Hindi ko na hahayaang masaktang muli ng isang taong walang pakialam sa nararamdaman ko. I deserve to be happy.

"It's always painful to know that someone is irrevocably gone and all that's left are memories of beautiful days gone by. Sometimes, it boggles my mind why people fall in love, then say goodbye; why they cannot belong forever when at first, they can never seem to part...

... but then i realized that after all, maybe they're just not meant to be."