The moment you read this, I will be a thousand miles away from you. I know you wouldn’t even care less and I’m not really sure what I could make out of that. Look, I have no intensions of pestering you as you say you have a busy schedule. There’s just something I wish to convey before I finally let go of this feeling, move on, and live my life. I don’t really give out letters like this to those people I fancy, it always seemed so easy for me to talk to them and give them a piece of my mind. Just couldn’t figure out why I find it so difficult for me to have a word with you regarding this matter. I know I started this whole insane sh*t at the wrong foot. What I thought was just a big joke turned out to be something that devoured me. I didn’t have any idea that it was going to eat me whole. Had I known, I shouldn’t have indulged myself onto it. I thought I was in control, something I’m used to being all the time. And when I noticed that I wasn’t and that I’m slowly slipping away to my typical controlled self, it scared the hell out of me. YOU scared the hell out of me. So I went back to my usual routine again: going out, meeting new people, and trying to enjoy their company - to keep my mind off you. But I should have known better. It was useless, utterly futile…all in vain.
I often wonder what it is with you that made me feel this. You made me feel all those stupid mixed emotions all at the same time. And it was then that I figured out that I was in deep shit. I had my pride. I tried to conceal it to everyone, to you, and even to myself. I knew what our friends are like. They’d surely make a big laugh out of me. I can already see them with their eyes wide open as if I have just said the most absurd thing. See, it was always a conscious effort to be cool whenever you’re around. To act natural, to be left unnoticed. It wasn’t easy, I swear.
But I’m only human. I also get tired. I’m tired of pretending that I don’t care at all. Tired of using that nonchalant façade every time I hear them talking about you, or hear them talk about something that reminded me of you.
What we had was not something substantial, I must admit. And for that, I want to thank you for the incredible memories that would forever be etched within me, those would bring out the best smile in me as I reminisce. Please don’t get me wrong here. I don’t intend to attract attention from you. I don't even expect anything from you after having this. I just feel the need to do this. For myself. For no other reason but to put you all behind me.
I loved you, this I'm certain.
So anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this…if you did read on. I have just unloaded something that has eaten most of my time lately. Somehow, I feel a lot okay now. I’m looking forward to seeing you again. And when that time comes, I will be ready to be friends with you…without pretensions.
It will be better that way.
