what happened to us?

kanina ko lang na-realize na hindi na pala tayo friends sa friendster. in-add kita ulit at nakita ko na viniew mo yung account ko pero di mo pa rin inaccept yung friend request. ayaw mo na ba? sabihin mo lang, di na kita guguluhin. gusto ko lang naman kahit papano, masalba ang pagkakaibigan natin. pero kung naiinis ka na sa pangungulit ko, i'm sorry. hindi ko kasi kayang magsawalang-bahala sa mga nangyayari sa atin. gusto ko gumawa ng move para magkaayos tayo, kung hindi man kagaya ng sobrang closeness natin dati, ok lang basta malaman ko na maayos na tayong tatlo. ngayon lang ako nalungkot ng ganito ngayong sembreak. ang sakit pala. nakakadurog ng puso..

kanina, inayos ko yung photoalbum ko nung highschool. andami kasing mga pic na nakakalat sa isang drawer kaya naisipan kong iorganize. nakita ko yung mga pic naten. nakangite. nakaakbay sa isa't isa. magkahawak-kamay. ang hirap pala ayusin ng mga larawang iyon dahil bumalik sa alaala ko ang mga masasayang sandaling pinagsaluhan natin. naisip ko tuloy, marami pa akong mga bagay na kailangang ayusin. yung cabinet ko, yung mga libro, yung mga notes, yung mga testpaper, yung nagdaan. ang gulo, napakagulo. parang buhay ko, marami pang mga kabanata na naiwang nakabukas, marami pang katanungang hindi nasasagot. mga pangyayaring nababalutan ng isang makapal na ulap na tila ba ayaw magpasilip sa mga bituin upang bigyang-liwanag ang kadiliman ng gabi.

marami pang kalat. di ko pa rin matapus-tapos ayusin ang lahat.

nakita ko itong bookmark nung nag-aayos ako. para makagaan sa pakiramdam ko, gusto ko lang isama dito.

footprints in the sand

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

♥ sylvanna cravings ♥

i love my new jacket! haha!

enrollment kanina.. medyo mahaba din ang pila, pero tolerable pa naman, kasama ko naman si niña at jah e. pagpasok naman sa loob eh mabilis lang sa assessment saken dahil may educational plan sa prudential. kainis yung nasa teller na napilahan ko sa payment na, sobrang tagal at mali ang sistema. hindi gumagalaw yung pila namin tas unang inaasikaso yung nasa kabilang pila na assessment. after 10 years, nagdecide na ako na lumapit at ibigay ang form ko. sabi niya, "miss, mamaya ka pa, meron pang mga form dito." sabi ko naman, "eh miss kanina pa ako nakapila dito, sa totoo lang hindi naman gumagalaw yung pila namin kanina pa dahil inuuna yung nasa kabilang assessment. kanina pa nga tapos mga kasabay ko na saibang counter pumila e." eh di todo explain ako, sa maayos na paraan naman. ayun, medyo na-realize siguro niya na may point ako kaya inayos na yung saken. kawawa naman yung mga nasa likod ko, nahihiya yata sila magreklamo. para saken naman, bakit ka kailangang mahiya kung nasa tama ka naman at kung sasabihin mo yung gusto mong sabihin sa maayos na paraan, di ba?

pagkatapos noon, church muna kami. ayos nga e, may kinakasal. tapos ang saya nung kanta, parang pangbirthday yung mass songs. hehe Ü pero siguro ako, gusto ko solemn yung wedding, yung tipong medyo maiiyak ka at mararamdaman mo yung bagong mundong papasukin mo kasama ang "partner for life" mo. bah, minsan ka lang naman ikakasal ah!

walang group lakad kasi gustong umuwi kagad ni arianne sa dagupan dahil sabay siya sa tita niya at kapatid, may lakad si jah dahil puntang mandaluyong, gusto na rin umuwi ni chie sa batangas dahil pagod daw siya, wala si deb kasi umuwi kagad sa blumentritt pero tingin ko trip pa rin niyang maglakwatsa at umuwi siya para magpalit ng damit. kahit na may konting damdam ako sa kanila dahil plano na nung kuhaan ng clearance na may lakad after enrollment, ok lang kasi di naman masyadong importante yung lakad at mahahalagang lakad yung pupuntahan nila. masaya din ako dahil kinausap ako ni chie, ang tagal na kasi niyang hindi nagpaparamdam sa amin, ewan ko ba kung bakit. siguro dahil sa hindi natuloy na outing sa batangas.

dahil may plano talaga kami ni niña na bumili ng jacket that day, nagdate na lang kaming dalawa sa megamall. inabot na ng 2years dahil sa traffic, pero ok lang. dami naman kaming napag-usapan e, saka, there's no dull moment kapag kasama ko ang sis ko. di makalimutan yung kwento sa mga kamanyakan ng mga lalakeng makakapal ang muka. yung sinasadyang maniniko ng b**bs. at ang kwento sa pagsapak ko sa isa sa kanila. manyak e. dapat lang sa kanya yun.

matagal na talaga naming planong bumili ng jacket. at dahil nga mahal yung nagustuhan naming jacket sa nike, ang tagal din pinagipunan. dugo at pawis at panlalambing sa mga tito at tita ang puhunan ko. haha! pero, sheeeeet talaga kasi ang ganda nung nabili namin. una kaming pumunta sa nike stadium sa sm megamall. sa kamalasan, wala ng medium nung style na gusto namin. so ask kami kay kuya kung meron sa nike stadium sa shangrila. ayun, meron ng size nmin kaya naglakbay kami papuntang shang. dahil type talaga namin yung jacket, dedma ang paltos na inabot ng paa.

after jacket, tiyan naman namin ang problema. balik ulit kami sa mega para kumaen. foodtrip ang drama. di nman ako masyadong nagtakaw, konti lng.. hmm.. lumpiang sariwa, sisig w/ rice, at medium iced tea. at dahil hindi kami satisfied sa kinaen, and i quote, "nguya lang ako ng nguya e, hindi ko na nalasahan yung kinakaen ko". sheeet, gutom nga naman.. haha! so nagyaya si niña na magmuffin sa mr donut. on the way, nadaanan namin yung brownies unlimited. dahil favorite ni mama yun, i decided to buy her 6-pak. tas nagbilin din si mommy, mama ni niña, ng brownies kaya bili din si niña. tas natakam kami sa sylvannas. ayun, first time kong nakakaen ng ganun dahil matamis daw sabi ni sis. haaaay love it soo much. sarap nga. haha! naalala ko yung tanong ko kay niña, "teka, pano kainin to. ganito, ahmm?" Ü

sensya na, feel ko lang talaga magkwento sa mga nangyari saken ngayong araw na to. although medyo walang saysay tong post ko, eh ganun talaga, gusto ko magshare e. haha! talagang sobrang detalyado pa.. hehe.. i guess, dahil yun sa fact na lagi akong masaya kapag kasama ko sis ko. there's no dull moment with her. thanks sis! happy ako kasi nakapagusap na tayo ulit nga maayos. updated na ako ulit sayo. haha Ü sana lumamig na yung panahon o kya mejo umulan para magamit na naten yung jacket! Ü

i love my new jacket! haha!

best friends, forever?

flowers

It may not be the same,

But some things never change.

I feel it and I trust it,

I still believe in forever

Because that's what my heart knows.

Memories are the dew drops on our petals

That re-open the buds that have closed.

Flowers wilt as seasons change,

Though they grow a little more with rain.

The sun will shine when in need,

And left behind, a precious seed.

i know you'll never get to have the chance to read this post. i don't know what came to me and why i've decided to write a blog about us, but i think, i just miss the two of you, a lot. funny how it seems but even though we all live in one small street, we rarely see each other. i miss the old times when i can count on you both if ever i have problems or just anything to share. all the late night chatting while hanging out in either of our houses seem to all fade away in memories. what had happened to us? what had happened to our friendship? what's wrong after all the silence?

some things may have affected us, things that we are really not involved at all. all those petty neighborhood quarrels, and one dysfunctional guy, do these things matter at all? i really don't think so. i would not sacrifice our childhood friendship just because of problems that really doesn't concern the three of us.

jhing, we've been bestfriends since the time when i've known what bestfriend means. we had grown up together, known almost every member of our family, bonded thru countless occassions, spent numerous nights talking bout everything under the sun, and a lot more. i believe in what we've promised long ago that we'll be bestfriends forever no matter what happens. i really didn't expect that one situation would break our vow. no, they're not broken... i wouldn't, and couldn't let it be. i can't. seeing you just pass by our house without a single glance tears me up inside. i wanted to scream your name so you would turn and hug me tightly, just like what we used to do. you know, everytime your sister buys in our store, i deeply wanted to ask her how you're doing. i wanted to know if you're ok, if you're adjusting well at work, if you're really happy, all these and more. i wanted to tell you that it hurts me a lot when both of you decided not to come to my 18th birthday, because you're one of the few special persons that i really want to be with, and who has taken a big part in my life. i remember you're debut, when rachel and i acted as emcees. we're happy back then, enjoyed the company of each other, and told wishes and messages of a long bound friendship. eventhough we don't talk about what really happened to us, i know that the root of our silence is instilled in what happened among elldrich and both of our moms. don't let that situation affect us, please help me fight for our friendship. i can't do this all alone. i wanted to keep my promise, that i'll always be here for you thru ups and downs. i'll be here, still...

rachel, i know your feelings when we incidentally ride on the same jeep. you're uneasy, don't know how to act and say. i feel the same way. but i'm really glad when once, you've waited for me, walked home together and chatted bout things having safe topics. safe in a sense that we'll still feel free to say anything without thinking first of what the other one would feel. it pains me especially when i remember the times when we would just blurt out everything we want to say, not minding other's opinion, and just mentioning what our heart feels. even if i've known him first since we're classmates back in elementary, you know i will not be a hindrance to whatever feelings that you have for him. he's just a friend to me, and you are my bestfriend. if ever you ask me to choose between the two of you, there would be no doubt that it's you i'll pick. you don't even deserve to be just a choice, because you are a person i've learned to treasure in my heart. true friends are like treasures, they are difficult to search for, but once you've had them, they're worth all the hardships and pain. khel, you're a treasure to me...

this song is for both of you... best friends forever? i still believe in it. we'll make it thru this test, i know we can..

you first believed

How many times did I pray you'd find me

How many wishes on a star

Gazing off into the dark

Dreaming I'd see your face

Safe at home unafraid

Captured in your embrace

So many times

When my heart was broken

Visions of you would keep me strong

You were with me all along

Guiding my every step

You are all that I am

And I'll never forget

It was you who first believed

In all that I was made to be

It was you looking in my eyes

You held my hand

And showed me life

And I've never been the same

Since you first believed

There were times when I'd thought I'd lost you

Fearing forever was a dream

But it wasn't what it seemed

Placing your hand in mine

You could see in the dark

You were guiding my heart

It was you who first believed

In all that I was made to be

It was you looking in my eyes

You held my hand

And you showed me life

And I've never been the same

Since you first believed

How many times did I pray you'd find me

How many wishes on a star

i still hope that you two get to read this. i wish. i really do.

sembreak sickness

sembreak na. sheeeet sembreak na!

bakit kelangang may sheeeeeet? ewan ko din, sabi nila mas may emosyon daw eh.. haha! Ü

Pagkatapos ng consultation sa ECE, nakahinga na ko ng maluwag. Need i say sobrang sama ng pakiramdam ko night before hanggang sa actual consultation day, bigla akong nagkalagnat, sipon at ubo. Sabi ni sis siguro daw dahil lang sa stress pagkatapos ng finals. Masasabi ko naman sa sarili ko na di ko naman pinabayaan ang subject na yun. Pano ko ba namang makakalimutang mag-aral bawat quiz at prelim and final exams eh pangalan ng subject na yun ang major ko. Samahan pa ng nagfefeeling terror prof. hahahaha! di ko talaga mapigilang matawa Ü . Kasi naman, natutuwa siya kapag alam niyang nahihirapan ang mga estudyante niya sa subject na tinuturo niya. Bilang halimbawa, nasabi sa kanya ng ilan kong mga kaklase pagkatapos ng isang madugong quiz na mahirap yung binigay niya. Sabi niya, and I quote, "Di ba sabi ko naman sa inyo, lahat ng exams ko ay talagang pinag-iisipan. Kailangan niyong gamitin ang utak niyo." Sheeet talaga, sa lagay palang iyon eh hindi pa namin ginagamit yung utak namin.. Haay buhay nga naman. Tanggap ko sana kung lahat ng prof sa ece ganun ang ka-adikan e. Iisipin ko na lang na para sa amin din yun. Kapag lalo kang nahihirapan, mas nagagamit mo ang buong kakayanan ng utak mo. Ang unfair lang dun, yung prof sa isang section halos pamigay na yung 20% ng grade nila. Asan ang hustisya? haha Ü Pero ok na rin yun, swertihan talaga kahit pagdating sa mga prof. Aminin niyo man o hindi, malaking factor pa rin ang paraan ng pagtuturo ng prof sa ikagagaling ng estudyante. Hindi ko naman sinasabing justified yung mga bumabagsak dahil abnormal yung prof, dahil kailangan mo pa rin mag-aral, magaling man magturo yung prof o yung tipong nakikinig ka na ng buong puso sa lecture pero bodybleed ka pa rin. take note, bodybleed at hindi na nosebleed. paglabas mo ng room, tipong parang galing ka sa giyera. duguan pero buhay pa naman Ü Ikaw ang dapat mag-adjust sa prof mo, dahil hindi naman makakapag-adjust ang prof sa bawat gusto ng mga estudyante niya.

enough of studies.

sembreak na e.. hahaha! Ü

hmm.. gusto ko lang sagutin yung mga sinabi ni deb nung last day nung consulatation.. i don't think na walang kwenta yung problem mo, lahat ng tao may kani-kaniyang problema. At hindi masusukat ng ibang tao kung gano kabigat o kagaan ang problema ng iba dahil wala sila sa sitwasyon na yun. di ka panget, ok? you're way too far beyond that term. napakarami mong magagandang katangian. Wala na silang makikitang Über sa talino at Über din pumorma at Über sa bango.. Papalicious ka talaga. ok, nagiging bading na yung lenggwahe ko. Dati dumating din ako sa point na nalulungkot ako dahil single ako. Sa tuwing may nakakasabay ako sa jeep na sweethearts i literally mean sweet, as in pinapapak na ng langgam sa ka-sweetan, naiisip ko kung bakit wala pa rin akong boyfriend. Panget ba ako o panget ugali ko kaya wala ako nun? Nalulungkot ako pag naiisip ko yun, pero naiisip ko din na siguro, pana-panahon lang talaga ang pagkakaron ng minamahal sa buhay. Kasi, pag sinasabi ko naman sa kaibigan ko, sasabihin niya na hindi naman ako panget saka di naman panget ugali ko kaibigan talaga tsk tsk bolero! Alam ni Lord kung kelan ang tamang panahon para sa'yo. Ibibigay niya sa'yo yung matagal mo nang hiling sa panahong nararapat, at sa oras na di mo inaasahan. In God's time, alam kong magiging masaya ka na talaga. Tingin ko kasi, medyo binibiro ka ni Lord kasi smoothsailing yung buhay mo, tas Über sa taas mga grades mo kaya mejo binigyan ka niya ng konting iisipin. Pero don't let that spoil everything. You deserve to be happy. Saka, gusto lang siguro ni Lord na maging open ka sa mga friends mo at magkaron ng social life kaya hindi ka pa niya binibigyan ng alalahaning babae. Wag ka na malungkot ok? Kasi pag may malungkot sa barkada, gloomy ang lahat. Ayaw ko ng ganyan ka, kasi love kita e, gusto ko lagi kang happy. I hope mabasa mo ito. Sana lang. Di ko kasi masabi sayo lahat nung magkakausap tayo kasi marami tayo e, shy type ako..

natuwa siguro ako mag-blog ulit, tanghali na, may clearance pa kami ngayon. sheeet, tinatamad akong umalis, lakas pa ng ulan.. lss na ko sa fixing a broken heart.. tsk tsk.. Ü

thoughts to ponder on

closest to us is not friends and family, but death.
furtherest is not the moon nor the stars, but passed time.
biggest is not mountain nor the sun, but our lust and desires.
heaviest is not elaphant nor iron, but responsibility.
lightest is not the wind nor feathers, but praying or delaying it.
sharpest is not knife nor sword, but our tongue...