mama

She used to be my only enemy and never let me be free

Catching me in places that I knew I shouldn't be

Every other day, I crossed the line, I didn't mean to be so bad

I never thought you would become the friend I never had

Back then, I didn't know why, why you were misunderstood

So now, I see through your eyes, all that you did was love

Mama, I love you, Mama, I care

Mama, I love you, Mama, my friend

My friend

I didn't want to hear it then, but I'm not ashamed to say it now,

Every little thing you said and did was right for me

I had a lot of time to think about, about the way I used to be,

Never had a sense of my responsibility

Back then, I didn't know why, why you were misunderstood

So now, I see through your eyes, all that you did was love

Mama, I love you, Mama, I care

Mama, I love you, Mama, my friend

My friend, you're my friend

But now, I'm sure I know why, why you were misunderstood

So now, I see through your eyes, all I can give you is love

Mama, I love you, Mama, I care

Mama, I love you, Mama, my friend

what happened to us?

kanina ko lang na-realize na hindi na pala tayo friends sa friendster. in-add kita ulit at nakita ko na viniew mo yung account ko pero di mo pa rin inaccept yung friend request. ayaw mo na ba? sabihin mo lang, di na kita guguluhin. gusto ko lang naman kahit papano, masalba ang pagkakaibigan natin. pero kung naiinis ka na sa pangungulit ko, i'm sorry. hindi ko kasi kayang magsawalang-bahala sa mga nangyayari sa atin. gusto ko gumawa ng move para magkaayos tayo, kung hindi man kagaya ng sobrang closeness natin dati, ok lang basta malaman ko na maayos na tayong tatlo. ngayon lang ako nalungkot ng ganito ngayong sembreak. ang sakit pala. nakakadurog ng puso..

kanina, inayos ko yung photoalbum ko nung highschool. andami kasing mga pic na nakakalat sa isang drawer kaya naisipan kong iorganize. nakita ko yung mga pic naten. nakangite. nakaakbay sa isa't isa. magkahawak-kamay. ang hirap pala ayusin ng mga larawang iyon dahil bumalik sa alaala ko ang mga masasayang sandaling pinagsaluhan natin. naisip ko tuloy, marami pa akong mga bagay na kailangang ayusin. yung cabinet ko, yung mga libro, yung mga notes, yung mga testpaper, yung nagdaan. ang gulo, napakagulo. parang buhay ko, marami pang mga kabanata na naiwang nakabukas, marami pang katanungang hindi nasasagot. mga pangyayaring nababalutan ng isang makapal na ulap na tila ba ayaw magpasilip sa mga bituin upang bigyang-liwanag ang kadiliman ng gabi.

marami pang kalat. di ko pa rin matapus-tapos ayusin ang lahat.

nakita ko itong bookmark nung nag-aayos ako. para makagaan sa pakiramdam ko, gusto ko lang isama dito.

footprints in the sand

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

aim high...

The road to success is not straight.

There is a curve called FAILURE,

a loop called CONFUSION,

speed bumps called FRIENDS,

red lights called ENEMIES,

caution lights called FAMILY.

You will have flats called JOBS,

but if you have a spare called DETERMINATION,

an engine called PERSEVERANCE,

an insurance called FAITH

and a driver called GOD,

you will make it to a place called SUCCESS.

best friends, forever?

flowers

It may not be the same,

But some things never change.

I feel it and I trust it,

I still believe in forever

Because that's what my heart knows.

Memories are the dew drops on our petals

That re-open the buds that have closed.

Flowers wilt as seasons change,

Though they grow a little more with rain.

The sun will shine when in need,

And left behind, a precious seed.

i know you'll never get to have the chance to read this post. i don't know what came to me and why i've decided to write a blog about us, but i think, i just miss the two of you, a lot. funny how it seems but even though we all live in one small street, we rarely see each other. i miss the old times when i can count on you both if ever i have problems or just anything to share. all the late night chatting while hanging out in either of our houses seem to all fade away in memories. what had happened to us? what had happened to our friendship? what's wrong after all the silence?

some things may have affected us, things that we are really not involved at all. all those petty neighborhood quarrels, and one dysfunctional guy, do these things matter at all? i really don't think so. i would not sacrifice our childhood friendship just because of problems that really doesn't concern the three of us.

jhing, we've been bestfriends since the time when i've known what bestfriend means. we had grown up together, known almost every member of our family, bonded thru countless occassions, spent numerous nights talking bout everything under the sun, and a lot more. i believe in what we've promised long ago that we'll be bestfriends forever no matter what happens. i really didn't expect that one situation would break our vow. no, they're not broken... i wouldn't, and couldn't let it be. i can't. seeing you just pass by our house without a single glance tears me up inside. i wanted to scream your name so you would turn and hug me tightly, just like what we used to do. you know, everytime your sister buys in our store, i deeply wanted to ask her how you're doing. i wanted to know if you're ok, if you're adjusting well at work, if you're really happy, all these and more. i wanted to tell you that it hurts me a lot when both of you decided not to come to my 18th birthday, because you're one of the few special persons that i really want to be with, and who has taken a big part in my life. i remember you're debut, when rachel and i acted as emcees. we're happy back then, enjoyed the company of each other, and told wishes and messages of a long bound friendship. eventhough we don't talk about what really happened to us, i know that the root of our silence is instilled in what happened among elldrich and both of our moms. don't let that situation affect us, please help me fight for our friendship. i can't do this all alone. i wanted to keep my promise, that i'll always be here for you thru ups and downs. i'll be here, still...

rachel, i know your feelings when we incidentally ride on the same jeep. you're uneasy, don't know how to act and say. i feel the same way. but i'm really glad when once, you've waited for me, walked home together and chatted bout things having safe topics. safe in a sense that we'll still feel free to say anything without thinking first of what the other one would feel. it pains me especially when i remember the times when we would just blurt out everything we want to say, not minding other's opinion, and just mentioning what our heart feels. even if i've known him first since we're classmates back in elementary, you know i will not be a hindrance to whatever feelings that you have for him. he's just a friend to me, and you are my bestfriend. if ever you ask me to choose between the two of you, there would be no doubt that it's you i'll pick. you don't even deserve to be just a choice, because you are a person i've learned to treasure in my heart. true friends are like treasures, they are difficult to search for, but once you've had them, they're worth all the hardships and pain. khel, you're a treasure to me...

this song is for both of you... best friends forever? i still believe in it. we'll make it thru this test, i know we can..

you first believed

How many times did I pray you'd find me

How many wishes on a star

Gazing off into the dark

Dreaming I'd see your face

Safe at home unafraid

Captured in your embrace

So many times

When my heart was broken

Visions of you would keep me strong

You were with me all along

Guiding my every step

You are all that I am

And I'll never forget

It was you who first believed

In all that I was made to be

It was you looking in my eyes

You held my hand

And showed me life

And I've never been the same

Since you first believed

There were times when I'd thought I'd lost you

Fearing forever was a dream

But it wasn't what it seemed

Placing your hand in mine

You could see in the dark

You were guiding my heart

It was you who first believed

In all that I was made to be

It was you looking in my eyes

You held my hand

And you showed me life

And I've never been the same

Since you first believed

How many times did I pray you'd find me

How many wishes on a star

i still hope that you two get to read this. i wish. i really do.

believe in this..

"The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor. The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything."

Big Girls Don't Cry

Ikaw Lamang – Silent Sanctuary

Di ko maintindihan
Ang nilalaman ng puso
Tuwing magkahawak ang ating kamay
Pinapanalangin lagi tayong magkasama
Hinihiling bawat oras kapiling ka

Sa lahat ng aking ginagawa
Ikaw lamang ang nasa isip ko sinta
Sana’y di na tayo magkahiwalay
Kahit kailan pa man

Ikaw lamang ang aking minamahal
Ikaw lamang ang tangi kong inaasam
Makapiling ka habang buhay
Ikaw lamang sinta
Wala na kong hihingin pa
Wala na

Ayoko ng maulit pa
Ang nakaraang ayokong maalala
Bawat oras na wala ka
Parang mabigat na parusa

Huwag mong kakalimutan na kahit nag-iba
Hindi ako tumigil magmahal sayo sinta

Sa lahat ng aking ginagawa
Ikaw lamang ang nasa isip ko sinta

Sana’y di na tayo magkahiwalay
Kahit kailan pa man

Ikaw lamang ang aking minamahal
Ikaw lamang ang tangi kong inaasam
Makapiling ka habang buhay
Ikaw lamang sinta
Wala na kong hihingin pa
Wala na

haayy.. i love this song.. sobrang sweet.. parang pag kinantahan ka nito, mawawala lahat ng pain na nararamdaman mo.. lahat ng sama ng loob, lahat ng hinanakit, maglalahong parang bula.. ewan ko ba.. ibang klase eh.. hehe Ü

._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._.

pwede ba.. kung hindi mo kayang tuparin yung mga sinasabi mo, kung patuloy mo lang akong iddisappoint, at kung hindi ka rin naman mananatili, pwede ba, kung pwede lang naman, wag ka na lang mag-exist sa buhay ko? kung darating ka lang para umalis din, pwede bang wag ka ng bumalik pang muli? sabi mo hindi mo kayang mawala ako.. kung patuloy lang na ganito, pwede bang pag-aralan mong alisin na ako sa buhay mo? kung pwede lang nman..

hindi ako galit, hindi ako nagtatampo o kung anuman.. hindi ko na nga alam kung ano bang tawag sa nararamdaman ko e. siguro nasanay na ako kaya ganito. pero ayoko ng masanay. sa totoo lang, alam ko namang masaya ka sa buhay mo eh, at masaya din ako sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon. natutunan ko na kasing wag iasa ang kaligayahan ko sa iisang tao eh. ngayon alam ko na na dapat mong matutunan na maging masaya sa buhay mo kahit sa tingin mo nagiisa ka lang. kailangan mo munang maging buo dahil sa iyong kabuuan mas lalo kang napahahalagahan ng ibang tao. at kapag dumating na ang taong para sa'yo, masasabi mo na mas naging masaya ang buhay mo at nagkaron ng kahulugan ang kaligayahan mo ng dahil sa kanya. sa totoo lang, mas natutunan kong pahalagahan ang sarili ko ngayon. nalaman ko na hindi ka masasaktan ng ibang tao, masasaktan ka lang nila pag hinayaan mong gawin nila yun sayo o magpaapekto ka ng sobra.

basta masaya ako ngayon.. alam kong darating din yung araw na magiging mas makabuluhan ang kasiyahan ko.

"you are my sweetest downfall... i loved you first, i loved you first"

._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._.

"And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket

But I've got to get a move on with my life

It's time to be a big girl now..

And big girls don't cry.."

because of you? i don't know..

"don't waste your time on someone who doesn't appreciate you the way you should be
appreciated..
don't ever settle for mediocrity,
for being just an option,
for being the one who's just fun to be with,
for being the one who's always there desperately waiting,
for mere concern or pity,
or for someone who likes you just because he knows he's got the power to break you..
don't settle because deep down,
you know who you are
and you know without a doubt that you deserve better if not the best.."

now, i don't know what to think anymore.. hindi ko alam kung bakit nag-iba na naman ang pakikitungo mo saken.. di ko rin alam kung dapat ba akong matuwa or maging maingat dahil baka all of a sudden bigla ka na namang mawala.. pero sabi nga, kung gustong mong mangyaring maganda saten, you have to make a move before it's too late.. i've done my part, now it's your time to do yours..

*now playing*

Never Too Far - Mariah Carey

You’re with me
Til the bitter end
What we had transcends
This experience
Too painful to
Talk about
So I’ll hold it in
Til my heart can mend
And be brave enough to love again

A place in time
Still belongs to us
Stays preserved in my mind
In the memories there is solace

Never too far away
I won’t let time erase
One bit of yesterday
Cause I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
Though we can never be
I’ll keep you close to me
When I remember

Glittering lights
Incandescent eyes
Still preserved
In my mind
In the memories I’ll find solace

Never too far away
I won’t let time erase
One bit of yesterday
And I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
Though we can never be
I’ll keep you close to me
And I’ll remember

A place in time
Still belongs to us
Stays preserved in my mind
In the memories there is solace

Never too far away
I won’t let time erase
One bit of yesterday
Cause I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
And though we can never be
I’ll think of you and me
Always remember

Love

You’re never too far

Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

'Cause sooner or later it's over

I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I

I just want you to know who I am...

so true

Sometimes, we just can't teach our hearts to love those lost souls back.. No matter how hard we try, the wounds left make it hard to forget but sooner or later it will become scars. Scars that you don't want to see.. But you can choose to forget it's there. And then our hearts reopens back for love, ready for a new one, just if we will, and when time is just right..

Memories Left Unsaid

"Everything that happen once can never happen again, but everything that happens twice would surely happen for the third time."

Matapos ang napakatagal na panahon, nasabi ko na rin sa sarili ko na ok na ako. Dumaan ang mga araw, mga linggo at taon ng wala ka sa tabi ko. Nakayanan ko yun, sabi ko pa nga, magiging ok ako kahit wala ka. Marami na rin mga nangyari sa buhay ko nun, marami na rin akong nakilala at may mga nagustuhan din. Pero ewan ko ba kung bakit parang nananadya ang pagkakataon, pinagsama tayo sa iisang okasyon.

Di maiwasan na di tayo mag-usap. No choice kung baga. Naalala ko na naman lahat ng mga alaalang nakalimutan ko na. Nagkatotoo yung "reliving the past". Iniwan mo siya at nagkabalikan tayo.

Masaya ako noon. Ginawa ko ang lahat para maging maayos tayo. Sabi ko nga dati, hindi ako naniniwala sa reconciliation. Para sa akin noon, lahat ng tapos na ay di na dapat pang balikan pa. Pero kinalimutan ko yun. Lahat ng di mo gusto noon, iniwasan ko. Ayoko na kasing maulit ang mga maling nagawa noon. Binigay ko lahat para sa atin dahil naniwala akong tayo talaga ang para sa isa't isa.

Pero nawala ka ulit. Nawala ang pangakong hindi na tayo maghihiwalay pa. Bawat pagkakataon na magkasama tayo, di ko maramdaman na kasama kita. Parang ang layo mo, parang hindi mo ako nakikita. Balewala lang sa'yo ang mga usapan natin. Naiiwan akong nag-iisa at paulit-ulit na naghihintay.

Sinubukan ko ulit bumangon. Pinilit kong ayusing muli ang buhay ko at masanay na naman na wala ka sa tabi ko. Matagal din yun. Pero dumating ka na naman. Humihingi ng isa pang pagkakataon.

"Everything that happen once can never happen again, but everything that happens twice would surely happen for the third time."

Yun ang drama mo. Kung alam mo lang kung gaano ako natuwa nung sinabi mo yun... Pero hindi, hindi ko tinanggap yun kaagad. Sabi ko, siguraduhin mo muna yung nararamdaman mo, baka nabibigla ka lang o napipilitan. Sabi ko sa'yo, magiging ok ako kahit ano pa ang desisyon mo. Sabi ko, mag-aantay ako sa sagot mo.

Pero di mo sinabi yung sagot mo. Nalaman ko lang sa kaibigan ko ang lahat. Sabi pa nga niya, bago niya yun sabihin na wag daw akong iiyak. Di ko alam kung ano dapat kong maging reaksyon, pero hinanda ko ang sarili ko sa maririnig ko. Sabi mo sa kanya, parang nawala na yung pag-ibig mo para sa akin. Na kung gagamitin mo ang isip mo, talagang ako ang pipiliin mo. Bago na naman ang drama mo. "If the feeling is gone" naman.

Tinanggap ko lahat yun. "No hard feelings". Di nga ako umiyak eh. Eh ganun talaga, wala na akong laban dun. Knock-out na. At least, nalaman ko yung totoo. Nalaman ko kung ano ba talaga ako sa'yo. Yun nga lang, sa iba ko pa nalaman. Pero, ok na rin yun, ang mahalaga, matatapos ko na rin ang lahat. Move-on, kailangan eh. Hindi pwedeng habambuhay ma-stuck. Sabi ko sa'yo, tigilan muna natin ang komunikasyon. Tingin ko kasi, mas makabubuti yun sa atin, lalo na sa akin para naman mabigyan ako ng pagkakataon na ayusin ulit buhay ko. Pumayag ka noon. Binura ko ang numero mo sa telepono ko at lahat ng may kaugnayan sa'yo. Pero kahit papano naman, malalaman ko kung ikaw yung nagtext dahil kabisado ko yung mga last digits sa number mo.

Nagsimula na naman ako. This time, totoo na. Nagustuhan ko yung mga pagbabago sa sarili ko. Ngayon, talagang masasabi kong kaya ko lahat. Parang sumailalim ako sa drug rehabilitation. Mabusisi at matagal na panahon ang nilalaan para lang mawala ang epekto ng droga sa sistema. Para kasing naging ganun ka sa akin. Nasanay ako na lagi kang nandiyan. Nasanay ako sa presensya mo.

Tulad ng mga bagong labas sa rehab, nakalaya din ako sa pagkakakulong sa'yo. Nakita kong marami palang nagmamahal sa akin, at ay mga nasasaktan sa tuwing umiiyak ako dahil sa'yo. "The truth will set you free". At dahil dun kaya malaya na ako ngayon.

Pero eto ka na naman. Hindi ko alam kung bakit paulit-ulit kang bumabalik sa tuwing maayos na ang buhay ko. Nagpaparamdam ka na naman. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang motibo mo para muling magbalik. Nagtataka ako kung bakit. Pero isa na lang ang iisipin ko. Pakikipagkaibigan na lang marahil ang dahilan. Hindi na ako mag-iisip pa ng iba. Baka maling interpretasyon na naman ang ibigay ko. Pero kung yun nga ang iniisip mo, wag kang mag-alala, di pa rin nawawala ang pagkakaibigan natin kahit ano pang mangyari.

Kahit ano pa man ang mangyari, alam ko na sa sarili ko kung ano ang kahalagahan ko. Hindi ko na hahayaang masaktang muli ng isang taong walang pakialam sa nararamdaman ko. I deserve to be happy.

"It's always painful to know that someone is irrevocably gone and all that's left are memories of beautiful days gone by. Sometimes, it boggles my mind why people fall in love, then say goodbye; why they cannot belong forever when at first, they can never seem to part...

... but then i realized that after all, maybe they're just not meant to be."